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当前位置:搜考网 >> 外语 >> 商务英语 >> BEC初级/综合 >> 名师点评网友BEC初级作文1

名师点评网友BEC初级作文1 (1)

2010-05-18 22:27:50  来源:网络  浏览次数:9  文字大小:【】【】【
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  本期作文题目:

  You are the office manager at an insurance company. You have arranged for contractors to upgrade your computer system. This means the system will be shut down for a full day.

  Write a memo of 40-50 words:

  informing staff of the shutdown

  telling them when it will happen

  asking them to prepare alternative work for the day.

  老师提示:

  商务写作中遵循的原则是:简洁,精确,礼貌。在考试中或者工作中,格式基本已经给出,所以只需要我们写正文即可。正文中我们写作要做到选词精当,一针见血,语法正确,不出低级错误的句子。备忘录属于半正式的文体写作,所以在句子选择上可以适当放宽,不必太正式。

  网友作文一:

  MEMORANDUM

  from : Tom TO : all staff

  date : 25/8

  Because our computor system will be upgraded by the contractors on 28 AUGUEST, so the system will be shut down for a full day on that day[1], i ask for you prepare alternative work for the[2] day. and the work don't use computer system .

  I think you can give a good performance to me to pass the accident. [3]

  TOM

  名师修改意见: 

  [1]Business writing 中尽量少使用because....so... 这样的结构,看起来不够专业,改为:As we plan to upgrade.....

  [2]有中式英文的痕迹:我要求你们。。。。改为:please prepare alternative work if you have to use the computer.

  [3]这不能算作accident, 既然已经计划好了。整句去掉。换成thank you.

  网友作文二:

  From: office manager

  To: all staff

  Subject: the company system

  I would like to notify you that [1]the computer system of our company's will be shut down on this Tuesday for a whole day long [2]on account of the system needs a upgrade.[3]Therefore, please taking notice of this event in advance, in case of some potential inconveniences and troubles on Tuesday, yet prepare alternative work for that day. [4]

  Thank you.[5]

  名师修改意见:
  
  [1]去掉这个开头,直接用被动语态开头。

  [2]去掉,多余了。

  [3]如果你不能保证用长复句可以表达清楚,那么建议换成短句吧。拆成几个短句也许表达更贴切呢。

  [4]这句话看起来非常不清楚,主语在哪里?please 的后面是吗?改成:please make sure that you have prepared alternative work.

  [5]另换一行
  
  网友作文三:

  Dear all:

  The file system will shtudown [1]due to system maintainance next Friday.

  It will take a full day to finish this job.[2]

  Please do not acccess the [3]file server that day and backup your files one it[4].

  名师修改意见: 
 
  [1]够干练了,语法错误多。 Be shut down

  [2]去掉

  [3]Access to

  [4]On it?
  
  网友作文四:

  From: office Manager

  To: all staff

  Subject: upgarde of computer system

  As our computer system need to be upgraded, we have arranged the contarctors to upgrade the them [1]on Wedesday. On that day all computers should be shutted down for a full day, so you need arrange some alternative work for that day.

  更多内容请继续关注 外语培训课程

[1] [2]




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